| [Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE] | |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | I pray you now, good master Slender's serving-man,
and friend Simple by your name, which way have you looked for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of physic? |
| SIMPLE | Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward, every
way; old Windsor way, and every way but the town way. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | I most fehemently desire you you will also look that
way. |
| SIMPLE | I will, sir. |
| [Exit] | |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | 'Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, and
trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knog his urinals about his knave's costard when I have good opportunities for the ork. 'Pless my soul! |
| [Sings] | |
| To shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sings madrigals; There will we make our peds of roses, And a thousand fragrant posies. To shallow-- | |
| Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry. | |
| [Sings] | |
| Melodious birds sing madrigals--
When as I sat in Pabylon-- And a thousand vagram posies. To shallow &c. | |
| [Re-enter SIMPLE] | |
| SIMPLE | Yonder he is coming, this way, Sir Hugh. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | He's welcome. |
| [Sings] | |
| To shallow rivers, to whose falls-
Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he? | |
| SIMPLE | No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master
Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over the stile, this way. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | Pray you, give me my gown; or else keep it in your arms. |
| [Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER] | |
| SHALLOW | How now, master Parson! Good morrow, good Sir Hugh.
Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student from his book, and it is wonderful. |
| SLENDER | [Aside] Ah, sweet Anne Page! |
| PAGE | 'Save you, good Sir Hugh! |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | 'Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you! |
| SHALLOW | What, the sword and the word! do you study them
both, master parson? |
| PAGE | And youthful still! in your doublet and hose this
raw rheumatic day! |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | There is reasons and causes for it. |
| PAGE | We are come to you to do a good office, master parson. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | Fery well: what is it? |
| PAGE | Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike
having received wrong by some person, is at most odds with his own gravity and patience that ever you saw. |
| SHALLOW | I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never
heard a man of his place, gravity and learning, so wide of his own respect. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | What is he? |
| PAGE | I think you know him; Master Doctor Caius, the
renowned French physician. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | Got's will, and his passion of my heart! I had as
lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge. |
| PAGE | Why? |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and Galen,
--and he is a knave besides; a cowardly knave as you would desires to be acquainted withal. |
| PAGE | I warrant you, he's the man should fight with him. |
| SHALLOW | [Aside] O sweet Anne Page! |
| SHALLOW | It appears so by his weapons. Keep them asunder:
here comes Doctor Caius. |
| [Enter Host, DOCTOR CAIUS, and RUGBY] | |
| PAGE | Nay, good master parson, keep in your weapon. |
| SHALLOW | So do you, good master doctor. |
| Host | Disarm them, and let them question: let them keep
their limbs whole and hack our English. |
| DOCTOR CAIUS | I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear.
Vherefore vill you not meet-a me? |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | [Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS] Pray you, use your patience:
in good time. |
| DOCTOR CAIUS | By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | [Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS] Pray you let us not be
laughing-stocks to other men's humours; I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends. |
| [Aloud] | |
| I will knog your urinals about your knave's cockscomb
for missing your meetings and appointments. | |
| DOCTOR CAIUS | Diable! Jack Rugby,--mine host de Jarteer,--have I
not stay for him to kill him? have I not, at de place I did appoint? |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | As I am a Christians soul now, look you, this is the
place appointed: I'll be judgement by mine host of the Garter. |
| Host | Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh,
soul-curer and body-curer! |
| DOCTOR CAIUS | Ay, dat is very good; excellent. |
| Host | Peace, I say! hear mine host of the Garter. Am I
politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my doctor? no; he gives me the potions and the motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir Hugh? no; he gives me the proverbs and the no-verbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so. Give me thy hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I have deceived you both; I have directed you to wrong places: your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be the issue. Come, lay their swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace; follow, follow, follow. |
| SHALLOW | Trust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen, follow. |
| SLENDER | [Aside] O sweet Anne Page! |
| [Exeunt SHALLOW, SLENDER, PAGE, and Host] | |
| DOCTOR CAIUS | Ha, do I perceive dat? have you make-a de sot of
us, ha, ha? |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. I
desire you that we may be friends; and let us knog our prains together to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy cogging companion, the host of the Garter. |
| DOCTOR CAIUS | By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me
where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you, follow. |
| [Exeunt] |
| [Enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN] | |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Nay, keep your way, little gallant; you were wont to
be a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master's heels? |
| ROBIN | I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man
than follow him like a dwarf. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | O, you are a flattering boy: now I see you'll be a courtier. |
| [Enter FORD] | |
| FORD | Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you? |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home? |
| FORD | Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for want
of company. I think, if your husbands were dead, you two would marry. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Be sure of that,--two other husbands. |
| FORD | Where had you this pretty weather-cock? |
| MISTRESS PAGE | I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my
husband had him of. What do you call your knight's name, sirrah? |
| ROBIN | Sir John Falstaff. |
| FORD | Sir John Falstaff! |
| MISTRESS PAGE | He, he; I can never hit on's name. There is such a
league between my good man and he! Is your wife at home indeed? |
| FORD | Indeed she is. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | By your leave, sir: I am sick till I see her. |
| [Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN] | |
| FORD | Has Page any brains? hath he any eyes? hath he any
thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them. Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile, as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve score. He pieces out his wife's inclination; he gives her folly motion and advantage: and now she's going to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her. A man may hear this shower sing in the wind. And Falstaff's boy with her! Good plots, they are laid; and our revolted wives share damnation together. Well; I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of modesty from the so seeming Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure and wilful Actaeon; and to these violent proceedings all my neighbours shall cry aim. |
| [Clock heard] | |
| The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me
search: there I shall find Falstaff: I shall be rather praised for this than mocked; for it is as positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is there: I will go. | |
| [Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, SLENDER, Host,
SIR HUGH EVANS, DOCTOR CAIUS, and RUGBY] | |
| SHALLOW
PAGE &C | |
| | Well met, Master Ford. | | |
| FORD | Trust me, a good knot: I have good cheer at home;
and I pray you all go with me. |
| SHALLOW | I must excuse myself, Master Ford. |
| SLENDER | And so must I, sir: we have appointed to dine with
Mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for more money than I'll speak of. |
| SHALLOW | We have lingered about a match between Anne Page and
my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our answer. |
| SLENDER | I hope I have your good will, father Page. |
| PAGE | You have, Master Slender; I stand wholly for you:
but my wife, master doctor, is for you altogether. |
| DOCTOR CAIUS | Ay, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me: my nursh-a
Quickly tell me so mush. |
| Host | What say you to young Master Fenton? he capers, he
dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he speaks holiday, he smells April and May: he will carry't, he will carry't; 'tis in his buttons; he will carry't. |
| PAGE | Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is
of no having: he kept company with the wild prince and Poins; he is of too high a region; he knows too much. No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes with the finger of my substance: if he take her, let him take her simply; the wealth I have waits on my consent, and my consent goes not that way. |
| FORD | I beseech you heartily, some of you go home with me
to dinner: besides your cheer, you shall have sport; I will show you a monster. Master doctor, you shall go; so shall you, Master Page; and you, Sir Hugh. |
| SHALLOW | Well, fare you well: we shall have the freer wooing
at Master Page's. |
| [Exeunt SHALLOW, and SLENDER] | |
| DOCTOR CAIUS | Go home, John Rugby; I come anon. |
| [Exit RUGBY] | |
| Host | Farewell, my hearts: I will to my honest knight
Falstaff, and drink canary with him. |
| [Exit] | |
| FORD | [Aside] I think I shall drink in pipe wine first
with him; I'll make him dance. Will you go, gentles? |
| All | Have with you to see this monster. |
| [Exeunt] |
| [Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE] | |
| MISTRESS FORD | What, John! What, Robert! |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Quickly, quickly! is the buck-basket-- |
| MISTRESS FORD | I warrant. What, Robin, I say! |
| [Enter Servants with a basket] | |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Come, come, come. |
| MISTRESS FORD | Here, set it down. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Give your men the charge; we must be brief. |
| MISTRESS FORD | Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be
ready here hard by in the brew-house: and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and without any pause or staggering take this basket on your shoulders: that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet-mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | You will do it? |
| MISTRESS FORD | I ha' told them over and over; they lack no
direction. Be gone, and come when you are called. |
| [Exeunt Servants] | |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Here comes little Robin. |
| [Enter ROBIN] | |
| MISTRESS FORD | How now, my eyas-musket! what news with you? |
| ROBIN | My master, Sir John, is come in at your back-door,
Mistress Ford, and requests your company. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us? |
| ROBIN | Ay, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of your
being here and hath threatened to put me into everlasting liberty if I tell you of it; for he swears he'll turn me away. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Thou'rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine shall be
a tailor to thee and shall make thee a new doublet and hose. I'll go hide me. |
| MISTRESS FORD | Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone. |
| [Exit ROBIN] | |
| Mistress Page, remember you your cue. | |
| MISTRESS PAGE | I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me. |
| [Exit] | |
| MISTRESS FORD | Go to, then: we'll use this unwholesome humidity,
this gross watery pumpion; we'll teach him to know turtles from jays. |
| [Enter FALSTAFF] | |
| FALSTAFF | Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now let
me die, for I have lived long enough: this is the period of my ambition: O this blessed hour! |
| MISTRESS FORD | O sweet Sir John! |
| FALSTAFF | Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate,
Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would thy husband were dead: I'll speak it before the best lord; I would make thee my lady. |
| MISTRESS FORD | I your lady, Sir John! alas, I should be a pitiful lady! |
| FALSTAFF | Let the court of France show me such another. I see
how thine eye would emulate the diamond: thou hast the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of Venetian admittance. |
| MISTRESS FORD | A plain kerchief, Sir John: my brows become nothing
else; nor that well neither. |
| FALSTAFF | By the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so: thou
wouldst make an absolute courtier; and the firm fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale. I see what thou wert, if Fortune thy foe were not, Nature thy friend. Come, thou canst not hide it. |
| MISTRESS FORD | Believe me, there is no such thing in me. |
| FALSTAFF | What made me love thee? let that persuade thee
there's something extraordinary in thee. Come, I cannot cog and say thou art this and that, like a many of these lisping hawthorn-buds, that come like women in men's apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury in simple time; I cannot: but I love thee; none but thee; and thou deservest it. |
| MISTRESS FORD | Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page. |
| FALSTAFF | Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the
Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a lime-kiln. |
| MISTRESS FORD | Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall one
day find it. |
| FALSTAFF | Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it. |
| MISTRESS FORD | Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could not
be in that mind. |
| ROBIN | [Within] Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! here's
Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently. |
| FALSTAFF | She shall not see me: I will ensconce me behind the arras. |
| MISTRESS FORD | Pray you, do so: she's a very tattling woman. |
| [FALSTAFF hides himself] | |
| [Re-enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN] | |
| What's the matter? how now! | |
| MISTRESS PAGE | O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You're shamed,
you're overthrown, you're undone for ever! |
| MISTRESS FORD | What's the matter, good Mistress Page? |
| MISTRESS PAGE | O well-a-day, Mistress Ford! having an honest man
to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion! |
| MISTRESS FORD | What cause of suspicion? |
| MISTRESS PAGE | What cause of suspicion! Out pon you! how am I
mistook in you! |
| MISTRESS FORD | Why, alas, what's the matter? |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Your husband's coming hither, woman, with all the
officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that he says is here now in the house by your consent, to take an ill advantage of his assence: you are undone. |
| MISTRESS FORD | 'Tis not so, I hope. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a man
here! but 'tis most certain your husband's coming, with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a one. I come before to tell you. If you know yourself clear, why, I am glad of it; but if you have a friend here convey, convey him out. Be not amazed; call all your senses to you; defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever. |
| MISTRESS FORD | What shall I do? There is a gentleman my dear
friend; and I fear not mine own shame so much as his peril: I had rather than a thousand pound he were out of the house. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | For shame! never stand 'you had rather' and 'you
had rather:' your husband's here at hand, bethink you of some conveyance: in the house you cannot hide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look, here is a basket: if he be of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going to bucking: or--it is whiting-time --send him by your two men to Datchet-mead. |
| MISTRESS FORD | He's too big to go in there. What shall I do? |
| FALSTAFF | [Coming forward] Let me see't, let me see't, O, let
me see't! I'll in, I'll in. Follow your friend's counsel. I'll in. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | What, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight? |
| FALSTAFF | I love thee. Help me away. Let me creep in here.
I'll never-- |
| [Gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen] | |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Help to cover your master, boy. Call your men,
Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight! |
| MISTRESS FORD | What, John! Robert! John! |
| [Exit ROBIN] | |
| [Re-enter Servants] | |
| Go take up these clothes here quickly. Where's the
cowl-staff? look, how you drumble! Carry them to the laundress in Datchet-meat; quickly, come. | |
| [Enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS] | |
| FORD | Pray you, come near: if I suspect without cause,
why then make sport at me; then let me be your jest; I deserve it. How now! whither bear you this? |
| Servant | To the laundress, forsooth. |
| MISTRESS FORD | Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You
were best meddle with buck-washing. |
| FORD | Buck! I would I could wash myself of the buck!
Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck; I warrant you, buck; and of the season too, it shall appear. |
| [Exeunt Servants with the basket] | |
| Gentlemen, I have dreamed to-night; I'll tell you my
dream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend my chambers; search, seek, find out: I'll warrant we'll unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first. | |
| [Locking the door] | |
| So, now uncape. | |
| PAGE | Good Master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much. |
| FORD | True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen: you shall see
sport anon: follow me, gentlemen. |
| [Exit] | |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies. |
| DOCTOR CAIUS | By gar, 'tis no the fashion of France; it is not
jealous in France. |
| PAGE | Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search. |
| [Exeunt PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS] | |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Is there not a double excellency in this? |
| MISTRESS FORD | I know not which pleases me better, that my husband
is deceived, or Sir John. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | What a taking was he in when your husband asked who
was in the basket! |
| MISTRESS FORD | I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so
throwing him into the water will do him a benefit. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the same
strain were in the same distress. |
| MISTRESS FORD | I think my husband hath some special suspicion of
Falstaff's being here; for I never saw him so gross in his jealousy till now. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | I will lay a plot to try that; and we will yet have
more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease will scarce obey this medicine. |
| MISTRESS FORD | Shall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress
Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the water; and give him another hope, to betray him to another punishment? |
| MISTRESS PAGE | We will do it: let him be sent for to-morrow,
eight o'clock, to have amends. |
| [Re-enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and
SIR HUGH EVANS] | |
| FORD | I cannot find him: may be the knave bragged of that
he could not compass. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | [Aside to MISTRESS FORD] Heard you that? |
| MISTRESS FORD | You use me well, Master Ford, do you? |
| FORD | Ay, I do so. |
| MISTRESS FORD | Heaven make you better than your thoughts! |
| FORD | Amen! |
| MISTRESS PAGE | You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford. |
| FORD | Ay, ay; I must bear it. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | If there be any pody in the house, and in the
chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment! |
| DOCTOR CAIUS | By gar, nor I too: there is no bodies. |
| PAGE | Fie, fie, Master Ford! are you not ashamed? What
spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I would not ha' your distemper in this kind for the wealth of Windsor Castle. |
| FORD | 'Tis my fault, Master Page: I suffer for it. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is as
honest a 'omans as I will desires among five thousand, and five hundred too. |
| DOCTOR CAIUS | By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman. |
| FORD | Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk in
the Park: I pray you, pardon me; I will hereafter make known to you why I have done this. Come, wife; come, Mistress Page. I pray you, pardon me; pray heartily, pardon me. |
| PAGE | Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll mock
him. I do invite you to-morrow morning to my house to breakfast: after, we'll a-birding together; I have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so? |
| FORD | Any thing. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | If there is one, I shall make two in the company. |
| DOCTOR CAIUS | If dere be one or two, I shall make-a the turd. |
| FORD | Pray you, go, Master Page. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on the lousy
knave, mine host. |
| DOCTOR CAIUS | Dat is good; by gar, with all my heart! |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries! |
| [Exeunt] |
| [Enter FENTON and ANNE PAGE] | |
| FENTON | I see I cannot get thy father's love;
Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan. |
| ANNE PAGE | Alas, how then? |
| FENTON | Why, thou must be thyself.
He doth object I am too great of birth--, And that, my state being gall'd with my expense, I seek to heal it only by his wealth: Besides these, other bars he lays before me, My riots past, my wild societies; And tells me 'tis a thing impossible I should love thee but as a property. |
| ANNE PAGE | May be he tells you true. |
| FENTON | No, heaven so speed me in my time to come!
Albeit I will confess thy father's wealth Was the first motive that I woo'd thee, Anne: Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value Than stamps in gold or sums in sealed bags; And 'tis the very riches of thyself That now I aim at. |
| ANNE PAGE | Gentle Master Fenton,
Yet seek my father's love; still seek it, sir: If opportunity and humblest suit Cannot attain it, why, then,--hark you hither! |
| [They converse apart] | |
| [Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and MISTRESS QUICKLY] | |
| SHALLOW | Break their talk, Mistress Quickly: my kinsman shall
speak for himself. |
| SLENDER | I'll make a shaft or a bolt on't: 'slid, 'tis but
venturing. |
| SHALLOW | Be not dismayed. |
| SLENDER | No, she shall not dismay me: I care not for that,
but that I am afeard. |
| MISTRESS QUICKLY | Hark ye; Master Slender would speak a word with you. |
| ANNE PAGE | I come to him. |
| [Aside] | |
| This is my father's choice.
O, what a world of vile ill-favor'd faults Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a-year! | |
| MISTRESS QUICKLY | And how does good Master Fenton? Pray you, a word with you. |
| SHALLOW | She's coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou hadst a father! |
| SLENDER | I had a father, Mistress Anne; my uncle can tell you
good jests of him. Pray you, uncle, tell Mistress Anne the jest, how my father stole two geese out of a pen, good uncle. |
| SHALLOW | Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you. |
| SLENDER | Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman in
Gloucestershire. |
| SHALLOW | He will maintain you like a gentlewoman. |
| SLENDER | Ay, that I will, come cut and long-tail, under the
degree of a squire. |
| SHALLOW | He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds jointure. |
| ANNE PAGE | Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself. |
| SHALLOW | Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for that good
comfort. She calls you, coz: I'll leave you. |
| ANNE PAGE | Now, Master Slender,-- |
| SLENDER | Now, good Mistress Anne,-- |
| ANNE PAGE | What is your will? |
| SLENDER | My will! 'od's heartlings, that's a pretty jest
indeed! I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven; I am not such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise. |
| ANNE PAGE | I mean, Master Slender, what would you with me? |
| SLENDER | Truly, for mine own part, I would little or nothing
with you. Your father and my uncle hath made motions: if it be my luck, so; if not, happy man be his dole! They can tell you how things go better than I can: you may ask your father; here he comes. |
| [Enter PAGE and MISTRESS PAGE] | |
| PAGE | Now, Master Slender: love him, daughter Anne.
Why, how now! what does Master Fenton here? You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house: I told you, sir, my daughter is disposed of. |
| FENTON | Nay, Master Page, be not impatient. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Good Master Fenton, come not to my child. |
| PAGE | She is no match for you. |
| FENTON | Sir, will you hear me? |
| PAGE | No, good Master Fenton.
Come, Master Shallow; come, son Slender, in. Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton. |
| [Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER] | |
| MISTRESS QUICKLY | Speak to Mistress Page. |
| FENTON | Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughter
In such a righteous fashion as I do, Perforce, against all cheques, rebukes and manners, I must advance the colours of my love And not retire: let me have your good will. |
| ANNE PAGE | Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool. |
| MISTRESS PAGE | I mean it not; I seek you a better husband. |
| MISTRESS QUICKLY | That's my master, master doctor. |
| ANNE PAGE | Alas, I had rather be set quick i' the earth
And bowl'd to death with turnips! |
| MISTRESS PAGE | Come, trouble not yourself. Good Master Fenton,
I will not be your friend nor enemy: My daughter will I question how she loves you, And as I find her, so am I affected. Till then farewell, sir: she must needs go in; Her father will be angry. |
| FENTON | Farewell, gentle mistress: farewell, Nan. |
| [Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE and ANNE PAGE] | |
| MISTRESS QUICKLY | This is my doing, now: 'Nay,' said I, 'will you cast
away your child on a fool, and a physician? Look on Master Fenton:' this is my doing. |
| FENTON | I thank thee; and I pray thee, once to-night
Give my sweet Nan this ring: there's for thy pains. |
| MISTRESS QUICKLY | Now heaven send thee good fortune! |
| [Exit FENTON] | |
| A kind heart he hath: a woman would run through
fire and water for such a kind heart. But yet I would my master had Mistress Anne; or I would Master Slender had her; or, in sooth, I would Master Fenton had her; I will do what I can for them all three; for so I have promised, and I'll be as good as my word; but speciously for Master Fenton. Well, I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff from my two mistresses: what a beast am I to slack it! | |
| [Exit] |
| [Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH] | |
| FALSTAFF | Bardolph, I say,-- |
| BARDOLPH | Here, sir. |
| FALSTAFF | Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in't. |
| [Exit BARDOLPH] | |
| Have I lived to be carried in a basket, like a
barrow of butcher's offal, and to be thrown in the Thames? Well, if I be served such another trick, I'll have my brains ta'en out and buttered, and give them to a dog for a new-year's gift. The rogues slighted me into the river with as little remorse as they would have drowned a blind bitch's puppies, fifteen i' the litter: and you may know by my size that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom were as deep as hell, I should down. I had been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy and shallow,--a death that I abhor; for the water swells a man; and what a thing should I have been when I had been swelled! I should have been a mountain of mummy. | |
| [Re-enter BARDOLPH with sack] | |
| BARDOLPH | Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you. |
| FALSTAFF | Let me pour in some sack to the Thames water; for my
belly's as cold as if I had swallowed snowballs for pills to cool the reins. Call her in. |
| BARDOLPH | Come in, woman! |
| [Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY] | |
| MISTRESS QUICKLY | By your leave; I cry you mercy: give your worship
good morrow. |
| FALSTAFF | Take away these chalices. Go brew me a pottle of
sack finely. |
| BARDOLPH | With eggs, sir? |
| FALSTAFF | Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage. |
| [Exit BARDOLPH]
How now! | |
| MISTRESS QUICKLY | Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress Ford. |
| FALSTAFF | Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was thrown
into the ford; I have my belly full of ford. |
| MISTRESS QUICKLY | Alas the day! good heart, that was not her fault:
she does so take on with her men; they mistook their erection. |
| FALSTAFF | So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's promise. |
| MISTRESS QUICKLY | Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn
your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning a-birding; she desires you once more to come to her between eight and nine: I must carry her word quickly: she'll make you amends, I warrant you. |
| FALSTAFF | Well, I will visit her: tell her so; and bid her
think what a man is: let her consider his frailty, and then judge of my merit. |
| MISTRESS QUICKLY | I will tell her. |
| FALSTAFF | Do so. Between nine and ten, sayest thou? |
| MISTRESS QUICKLY | Eight and nine, sir. |
| FALSTAFF | Well, be gone: I will not miss her. |
| MISTRESS QUICKLY | Peace be with you, sir. |
| [Exit] | |
| FALSTAFF | I marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent me word
to stay within: I like his money well. O, here he comes. |
| [Enter FORD] | |
| FORD | Bless you, sir! |
| FALSTAFF | Now, master Brook, you come to know what hath passed
between me and Ford's wife? |
| FORD | That, indeed, Sir John, is my business. |
| FALSTAFF | Master Brook, I will not lie to you: I was at her
house the hour she appointed me. |
| FORD | And sped you, sir? |
| FALSTAFF | Very ill-favoredly, Master Brook. |
| FORD | How so, sir? Did she change her determination? |
| FALSTAFF | No, Master Brook; but the peaking Cornuto her
husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual 'larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our encounter, after we had embraced, kissed, protested, and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy; and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thither provoked and instigated by his distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for his wife's love. |
| FORD | What, while you were there? |
| FALSTAFF | While I was there. |
| FORD | And did he search for you, and could not find you? |
| FALSTAFF | You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes
in one Mistress Page; gives intelligence of Ford's approach; and, in her invention and Ford's wife's distraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket. |
| FORD | A buck-basket! |
| FALSTAFF | By the Lord, a buck-basket! rammed me in with foul
shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy napkins; that, Master Brook, there was the rankest compound of villanous smell that ever offended nostril. |
| FORD | And how long lay you there? |
| FALSTAFF | Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I have
suffered to bring this woman to evil for your good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford's knaves, his hinds, were called forth by their mistress to carry me in the name of foul clothes to Datchet-lane: they took me on their shoulders; met the jealous knave their master in the door, who asked them once or twice what they had in their basket: I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knave would have searched it; but fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well: on went he for a search, and away went I for foul clothes. But mark the sequel, Master Brook: I suffered the pangs of three several deaths; first, an intolerable fright, to be detected with a jealous rotten bell-wether; next, to be compassed, like a good bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt to point, heel to head; and then, to be stopped in, like a strong distillation, with stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease: think of that,--a man of my kidney,--think of that,--that am as subject to heat as butter; a man of continual dissolution and thaw: it was a miracle to scape suffocation. And in the height of this bath, when I was more than half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot, in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think of that,--hissing hot,--think of that, Master Brook. |
| FORD | In good sadness, I am sorry that for my sake you
have sufferd all this. My suit then is desperate; you'll undertake her no more? |
| FALSTAFF | Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I have
been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her husband is this morning gone a-birding: I have received from her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt eight and nine is the hour, Master Brook. |
| FORD | 'Tis past eight already, sir. |
| FALSTAFF | Is it? I will then address me to my appointment.
Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall know how I speed; and the conclusion shall be crowned with your enjoying her. Adieu. You shall have her, Master Brook; Master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford. |
| [Exit] | |
| FORD | Hum! ha! is this a vision? is this a dream? do I
sleep? Master Ford awake! awake, Master Ford! there's a hole made in your best coat, Master Ford. This 'tis to be married! this 'tis to have linen and buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myself what I am: I will now take the lecher; he is at my house; he cannot 'scape me; 'tis impossible he should; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse, nor into a pepper-box: but, lest the devil that guides him should aid him, I will search impossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to be what I would not shall not make me tame: if I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go with me: I'll be horn-mad. |
| [Exit] |